Alien Abduction Insurance

Corey Ginsberg

Because it’s better safe than prodded,

protected than impregnated

with the interstellar bastard he’ll never

pay child support for, let alone visit

on weekends. So affordable you’d be crazy not to

invest in the ways he’s destined to disappoint

on those missed birthdays

his secretary will remind him to commemorate

with the recurring Amazon gift card.

Perhaps consider the premium policy,

safeguarding against unwanted relocation

to a region of space where his pod of tentacled

succubus wives will fatten you up on SPAM

then talk shit about you behind your back

just loud enough to permeate your unflattering

spacesuit. You’ll even be covered if they use

plasma mind control to strip you

of your earthly feminism and reprogram

you with cosmically submissive scripts

while he plays nine holes at the cyber club.

Page twenty-nine of your plan stipulates

that in the event of catastrophic loss of egoself,

or Real Housewives of the Seventh Dimension drama,

you will receive a full, itemized payout, plus

reimbursement of your deductible, when or if

you are returned to your otherwise unremarkable

life in Toledo.