Alien Abduction Insurance
Corey Ginsberg
Because it’s better safe than prodded,
protected than impregnated
with the interstellar bastard he’ll never
pay child support for, let alone visit
on weekends. So affordable you’d be crazy not to
invest in the ways he’s destined to disappoint
on those missed birthdays
his secretary will remind him to commemorate
with the recurring Amazon gift card.
Perhaps consider the premium policy,
safeguarding against unwanted relocation
to a region of space where his pod of tentacled
succubus wives will fatten you up on SPAM
then talk shit about you behind your back
just loud enough to permeate your unflattering
spacesuit. You’ll even be covered if they use
plasma mind control to strip you
of your earthly feminism and reprogram
you with cosmically submissive scripts
while he plays nine holes at the cyber club.
Page twenty-nine of your plan stipulates
that in the event of catastrophic loss of egoself,
or Real Housewives of the Seventh Dimension drama,
you will receive a full, itemized payout, plus
reimbursement of your deductible, when or if
you are returned to your otherwise unremarkable
life in Toledo.
